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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
three girls that went to high school together finally graduated from college & decided to take a trip together overseas to celebrate. third night out, they got ripped to the gills in a bar & woke up in a jail. jailer comes in, says "lets go, time for your execution! they drag the girls down & strap the first one into the electric chair. she says "I just graduated from Trinity Bible college, & I'm telling you that God won't let this happen!" they throw the switch, nothing happens! so they release her. second girl gets strapped in, & says "i just graduated from the Indiana school of Law, & I'm telling you that International Law won't let this happen!" they throw the switch, nothing happens! so they release her, too. third girl gets strapped in, looks around & says "I just graduated from the University of Kentucky with a degree in electrical technology, & I'm here to tell you that you morons aint electrocuting ANYONE if you don't plug this thing up..."
 

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Barack and Michelle Obama are at the White Sox baseball game, sitting in the first row with the Secret Service seated directly behind the president.

One of the Secret Service agents leans forward and says something to the President.
Barack stares at the agent, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head no.

The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a request from the team owner who is a big campaign contributor and the fans will love it."

So, Barack shrugs and says, "Well, if it will help my poll numbers."

Barack gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of her pants, and throws her right over the railing into the field.

She gets up kicking, screaming and swearing. The crowd goes wild, cheering, applauding, and high-fiving.

Barack is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says "You were right. I would have never believed that."

Noticing the agent has gone totally pale, Barack asks what was wrong.

The agent replies, "Sir, I said they want you to throw out the first Pitch."
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
poor fellow, after working for nearly thirty years straight, lost his job. thinking to help his wife with chores, he grabs all of his dirty clothing & heads to the laundry room. puzzled, he hollers at his wife "honey, what setting do I use?" she replies "what does it say on your shirts?" "he yells back "the University of Tennessee..."
 

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Sometimes divorces do work out.

On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.

On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on two pounds of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods.

He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend. At first, all was bliss.

Then, slowly, the house began to smell.

The couple tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place.

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit.

Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house.

Word spread and eventually even the realtors in neighboring communities refused to return their calls.

Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

After awhile, the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and if she would be willing to reduce the divorce settlement terms, he'd take the house.

Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10th of what the house had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day.

He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.

A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ... and just to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods!!!

I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
fellow in this church has a beautiful voice. so good, that he gets calls from folks wanting him to sing at weddings & funerals. a local minister called & asked him to sing "Amazing Grace" at the funeral of a homeless man that had passed on. pastor tells him "I'm afraid that you may be the only person there, but I knew him for years & he would have loved hearing you." the fellow agreed, but got lost on the way. backtracking, he finally got onto the right road & soon spotted several men with shovels next to a fenced plot. with no one else in sight, he thought "I guess I AM the only one to show up." so he got out & walked over to the side of the hole & began singing. as he sang, he noticed the men had gathered around & began crying. as he finished singing & started toward his car, he heard one of the workers say "that was INCREDIBLE! I've been putting in septic tanks for thirty years & I aint never seen anything like that..."
 

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Wicked!!! ;-) Scummer, you is an evil sonofagun! Got this in an email -

Thoughts for the Day

I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying
let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If she's are holding a gun, she's probably angry.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone?
That's common sense leaving your body.

I don't like making plans for the day because then the word
"premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row!

I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim.
I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers,
if you find one, what's your plan?
 

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A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 AM by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband. "It is 3:00 AM in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3 AM in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down,
and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk..
 
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Purina Diet

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow at Wal-Mart for
my dog and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant?

So since I'm retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina diet again, although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry, and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story.

Horrified , she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food
poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's
ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was
laughing so hard!

WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.
 

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An elderly couple, a middle age couple and a young couple wanted to join a particular church. The preacher told them that the only requirement for membership was abstaining from sex for six weeks. The elderly couple thought that it should be no problem. The middle age couple weren't sure but would try. The young couple thought that it would be extremely difficult, but told the preacher that they would do their best.

The three couples returned after six weeks. The preacher asked the elderly couple how it went and they said it was no problem so the preacher told them to consider themselves members of the church. He then asked the middle age couple and they replied that it was very difficult but they made it so he tells them to consider themselves members of the church. He came to the young couple, asked the same question. They said that they made it fine until the fifth week. The young man said that his wife bent over to pick something up and he could not restrain himself and they had sex right there on the spot. The preacher told them that he was sorry, but he could not let them in the church. the young man said that it was ok, Krogers wouldn't let them come back either.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
older gentleman finally passed to his reward. after meeting Saint Peter & going through the Pearly Gates, Pete took him on a tour of Heaven. they hopped onto a golf cart & rode around with Peter showing him the sights, where the best fishing was, the golf course, everything. soon, a large building came into view. "what is that place?" the man asked St. Peter. "oh, that is our meeting house" Peter told him "that is where we meet to discuss religion, politics & everything else that is happening in the world. come on, i'll show it to you." Pete walked him through several floors, took him in to meet some of the others & introduced him around. as they were leaving, Saint Peter said "now, we need to be quiet going down this hall past that door in the distance." so Pete & the fellow tiptoed by & went down the steps. outside the elderly gentleman asked St. Peter "what was it about that room?" Pete smiled & said "oh, that is where we keep the Southern Baptists at. they have this notion that they are the only people up here..."
 
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