Fatherly Lessons

[BLACK WOLF]

Well...sometime ago I asked you guys for some advice on birth control with my than 17 yrs. old daughter. I'm happy to say she isn't pregnant...at least not yet.

For the past month she has disappointed me with one thing after another. She refused to live by the house rules and chose to move in with her boyfriend and his family. She quit her job and she dropped out of highschool.

I've been struggling off and on for the past 2 mon. on how I should handle her and my disappointment. My initial response was to just leave her alone and let her fend for herself because she is 18 and I can't force her to move back in, abstain from sex, keep her job or stay in school.

Ya know what our AWESOME God has shown me....the relationship with my daughter and I isn't much different than the relationship I have with my Heavenly Father.

Can you imagine how many times I have disappointed Him?

And guess what...He still loves me and pursues me!

I started to think since I was the only one really making an effort to have a father/daughter date once a week that I would just leave her be since I was increasingly getting more and more disappointed with her and I didn't want her to feel the shame I was developing for her. I was affraid it might cause her to feel even more insecure and less worthy...but guess what...that's not how God has treated me. He is constantly pursueing me, but I don't always notice or listen, so why should I do anything differently in reguards to my daughter than what He has done with me. I'm the one that avoids Him from time to time...not the other way around.

If I stop pursueing her she could be lost forever just as I could if God stopped pursueing me or left me to fend for myself.

Even though I'm disappointed with her right now I still and always will love her and I need to express that to her always on a daily basis or as frequently as possible no matter how frustrated I may get. I also need to be honest and share my disappointment with her in a way that is loving but not damaging. Just because I am disappointed with allot of her recent choices, isn't a good enough excuse to stop pursueing her.

There's a reason why God is called our Father and there's a reason why men are called fathers when they have children.

Ray ;)

[Esquire]

Ray,

I'm glad to see this post. I think you show great wisdom. I have all boys and it is hard for me to wear your shoes, but this has got to be tough.

I will be praying for you as you walk this hard path and fight to keep the relationship open.

Satan loves to hurt a family, but I think of the last few words of I Corinthians Ch. 13. Hang in there, Dad.

Mike

PS: ever listen to Iris Dement? She has a song called "infamous angel". The lyrics alone cannot give the full effect of the song, but they run as follows:

Last night before I went to sleep,
My knees dropped to the floor.
I turned me eyes up to the sky,
And I prayed: "Please help me, Lord.
"You know I've sowed my wild oats,
"And now the fun's all gone."
And then I heard these tender words,
And I put them in my song:

"Infamous Angel, come on home,
"To someone who loves you,
"And knows you needed to roam.
"Grab your things, a ticket's waiting,
"At the bus depot:
"For: 'Infamous Angel, Destination: Home'."

I heard Heaven's choir rejoicing,
As the tears broke from my eyes.
And all at once it lifted,
The weight from my past life.
I found a pen and I left a note,
On the dresser drawer:
"Infamous Angel: she don't live here anymore."

"Infamous Angel, come on home,
"To someone who loves you,
"And knows you needed to roam.
"Grab your things, a ticket's waiting,
"At the bus depot:
"For: 'Infamous Angel, Destination: Home'."

Instrumental Break.

Then I hurried out the back door,
As quickly as I could.
I went flying down two flights of stairs,
'Til on the street I stood.
And there I took that final look,
At my old neighbourhood.
Then I ran down the street proclaiming:
"Angel: gone for good."

Infamous Angel, going home,
To someone who loves her,
And knows she needed to roam.
She grabbed her things and claimed the ticket,
At the bus depot:
For: "Infamous Angel, Destination: Home."
"Infamous Angel, Destination: Home."

Keep on loving her, dad.

[Esquire]

I just posted my prior response and then I received my familyman weekly email. It seems to go with this subject nicely so I thought I'd post it as a further encouragement. Here it is:

Hey Dad,

Just heard on the radio that today is the autumnal equinox (the first day of fall). Not important enough to throw a party, but it is one of two days that you can stand an egg on end. After I’m through writing this, I may go up and test it out with the kids because it’s important for dads to do that kind of stuff.

It’s funny...we dads have trouble remembering what’s important.

A couple of days ago I had an appointment with one of the most influential Christian leaders in the country. To meet with him, my wife and I had to fly out of state for a quick overnight (not a bad perk).

Abe (age 4) and Ike (age 6) were pretty weepy the day before we left because we were going to be “gone.” Actually it was a little annoying after a while, and I found myself comforting less and snapping more.

“We’ll only be gone for ONE night...you’ll have fun with Grandma...it’s not that long...STOP IT!” I responded.

It didn’t work and the tears came in waves during the day and into the night. The final straw came at 2 AM. Ike stumbled into our room crying, and I escorted him back to his room and lay next to his bed until he drifted off.

An hour later, our bedroom door opened and the light from the bathroom spilled in. It was Ike---again.

I expected more tears but none came. Instead a little voice whispered, “I love you, Dad.”

“I love you, Ike,” I answered using great self-control for 3 AM.

“I love you more,” he added and then closed the door.

The next day on the airplane I was rehearsing the meeting I was about to have with the Big Guy. I was exited, nervous, and pumped about the importance of this meeting...then I heard a small, gentle voice that said, “I love you more.” It was Ike, and I replayed the nighttime exchange over in my head.

I realized then that what had taken place in the middle of the night was infinitely more significant and important than what was going to take place later in the day. It always has been and always will be, whether I remember it or not.

The truth is, Dad, the most important matters of your day today have little to do with the work you do, the people you’d like to impress, and your lifetime achievement plan. What matters are the boys and girls who call you “Daddy”.

Don’t forget that...ever.



You ‘da dad,

Todd



PS - Go try the egg thing.



To read a scientific article on standing an egg on end by a guy who has way too much time on his hands, go to http://familymanweb.com/dadzine.htm (http://familymanweb.com/dadzine.htm)



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[BLACK WOLF]

Thanks Mike!

I haven't listened to Iris yet, but you can be assured I will soon ;) and I'll most likely share that song with my daughter also.

Ray ;)

[BLACK WOLF]

Wow Mike...God works in mysterious ways...that last story got me chocked up...again thanks for being you and sharing!

Ray ;)

[Esquire]

Ray,

The way I see it, she's the most important thing you have going. At the same time, she's not yours. Never was. God has plans for that young lady and she is yours in trust. But she belongs to He who made her.

Because of the way I feel about my own boys, I am willing to "stand in the gap" (Ezekiel 22:30) for you and your daughter.

Keep the faith.

Mike

[Camp Cook]

Ray,
I too, will stand in the gap for you & your daughter. I've been there, not with my daughter, but with my son. I do understand your heartbreak.

I recently blew it with my son. He is 25 & still trying to find his path in life. He's met someone...over the internet. I immediately went to the worst case scenario. The more I ranted, the more he dug in his heals. THEN I stepped back & prayed about it. God really slapped me upside the head. I realized that I gave him to God as a child and that over the years,I kept taking him back. Joel is doing better spiritually then ever before in his life...but I reverted right back to when he wasn't & treated him as such. SHAME on me! I have more reason to let go & let God then any other time in his life. & Yet I still want to control his decisions. I want to make sure he makes the right decision cause every choice affects the rest of his life. I must tell you that I later apologized to him & in the process let him know that his dad & I love him very much & will not stop praying for him or loving him & whatever happens, that will never change.

Kids are all different. Some are so easy to raise, others....well it just hurts. But remember, this isn't about you, it is about her. God will wrap his arms around you & ease your pain. You can love her at the same time as not approving of her choices. Give her to God. Pray for her. Pray that God will bring the right people into her life to help steer her in the right direction. Pray that God will put a hedge of protection around her.

The hardest prayer I ever prayed was for God to do whatever it took to bring my son back to Him.

JOY

[BLACK WOLF]

Joy,

Just so you know...everytime I use the word "guys" in reference to the people here who are supportive, you are ALWAYS included even though I know you are a woman.

Your posts have always been thoughtful and insightful and very much appreciated.

You clarified what I was doing...I was yo-yoing back and forth. I had given her over to God, but would than get caught up in trying to raise her as I did when she was younger and the frustration would raise his ugly head.

I realized in giving her over to God I still had a roll of pursueing her as a father to let her know that even though I may not agree with some of her choices I will always love her and be there for her for guidance or hug anytime she may need it.

Thanks,

Ray ;)

[Cato]

Blackwolf,

I think this may be one of the hardest areas of being a parent. During the early years of the child's life, we do all these things we think are appropriate in laying a foundation. But now, we have to turn the results over to God. And what is more, we have to look back and second guess what we could have/ should have done differently. And yet we have to sit on the sidelines, pray, and give it over to God. That is really, really hard, especially when the child is going it the wrong direction.

I can offer one small piece of encouragement. My sister (single parent, husband had an affair) had a 17 year old girl (Sarah) who went through something similar. The guy she was "in love" with could not have been a much poorer choice. Basically, I wanted to kill him. My sister just prayed her way through it. After about 3 years, Sarah finally began to see the relationship was not good for her. Thankfully, nothing bad happened (the guy had hit her in the face, and thrown a brick through the windshield of her car at one time). She met a another guy at church, who turned out to be a role model kid. He was (is) a very mature Christian, had a good job, college graduate, and just an all round great guy. They fell in love, got married, have kids, are very, very active in their church. God just answered my sister's prayers beyond anything she imagined. Sarah finally grew up.

Hang in there buddy. I know its hard.

Cato

[Swanny]

Hi Ray, thanks for sharing the 'not so easy stuff'...it's reflective of your humility and need for God's people to pray for you...of which I will intercede that you will be able to show the love of Christ and his truth in all that you do and say and feel in regards to your daughter.

May I ask what she thinks of Christ?

[BLACK WOLF]

Thanks Cato!

Swanny,

My daughter got baptized about 2 yrs. ago which was a decision she personally made. I've talked to her often about her relationship with God and she feels He has abandoned her and her prayers. I've explained to her that prayers aren't always answered exactly like we want or exactly when we want them to be but they are answered all in God's perfect timing and perfect wisdom.

The best thing I can do is to continue to pray and be there for her.

You guys are awesome....Thanks!

Ray ;)

[Ray Cover]

Ray,

My heart breaks for you.

My daughters are not near that old but I have the same concerns for my two girl's future.

I to have found that God uses my youngest to teach me a lot about my relationship to him. She is the one who is just like me. We're both hard headed and hate to admit we're wrong or made a mistake.

There are no promises. We all have to make our own choices in life and pay the consequences good or bad for those choices. Let me relate my expereinces from the other side of the coin. I was the prodigal son.

I was raised in a Godly home, was a good student and never did anything out of line when I was in high school or the first couple years of college. I never drank, smoked, did drugs or any of that. I had good parents and a great Karate instructor who was a good influence on me. Then I moved away to finish my last couple years of college (which took 3 due to my stupidity).

During that three years I became a case a night and two fifth a weekend drinker and a bar brawler. I turned into a total jerk and an embarhasment to my father. I did one stupid thing after another. Most of the time I got away with I sometimes I didn't. Fortunately, I never got arrested (purely the grace of God) but I did wake hurting and bloody from time to time. DUMB!

I had a mom at home who constantly prayed for me. One day a couple months before graduation I was shaving and did not like what was looking back at me in the mirror. God grabbed hold of my heart and brought me face to face with what I was doing to myself. I dried out from my 3 yr drunk and started taking my relationship with God more seriously. For the first time since I was saved at 13 I started to grow and mature as a Christian. I have been dry for 15 yrs now and I don't miss the alcohol at all. As a matter of fact the smell makes me nausous now ( another one of God's gifts).

The whole time God had his hand on me because I had a mom back home on her knees. Jesus got a hold of me and stopped me before I destroyed myself. God is a whole lot more persuasive than we are. My mom didn't nag me during that 3 yrs because she knew how bull headed I am. She took it to God and let Him work on me.

Keep praying for her and don't lose heart. God always wins those battles in the end. It might take a while. Took me 3 yrs. But sooner or later she will look in the mirror and Christ will be there waiting for her.

I will keep you guys in my prayers.

Ray C.

[Ray Cover]

Ray, thought I better clarify after re-reading my post. That quantity of alcohol was split between me and two roomates. Point is we all three were drunks.

Keep praying for your daughter and don't give up on her.

God bless,

Ray C.

[BLACK WOLF]

Thanks Ray!

Ray ;)